It's been an emotional roller coaster ride for me the last couple of months. 2 months ago I started having different wierd pains than I was having before. I waited 2 weeks, then went to the ER, sure that I had something really wrong with me. Prior to that my family doc had me get an abd sono & a chest xray-both were negative, except for a kidney stone floating around in 1 kidney. In the ER they pulled 7 vials of blood, started an IV, did a physical exam & were getting me ready for a cat scan. I drank half the contrast dye when the er doc came in and said he cancelled the scan. He said I was pregnant! Pat & I were flabbergasted as we weren't trying. It was a real shock. I had an ob sono, but it was too early to see anything other than a possible gestational sac. Turns out I also had a 5cm complex ovarian cyst on my right ovary. That is the side that was causing me all kinds of wierd discomfort & sensations for 2 weeks. He said as the cyst releases fluid into my abdominal cavity, it irritates the intestines. So, that explained all the strangeness.
So, I hadn't missed a period yet & had no idea when the first day of my last one was. They said i was probably 3 weeks pregnant, but I think it was more like 2 weeks. I had another blood test 2 days later & the hcg levels rose accordingly. My excitement about being pregnant also rose accordingly. Yes, it was a surprise & I thought we were done, but it also felt really neat to know that the baby phase wasn't done yet. I'm 41 & thought I was probably too old to have a 5th child...but I wasn't. And that made me feel not so old! :)
Anyway, 2 weeks later I had another sono because they wanted to rule out a tubal pregnancy due to the abdominal discomfort I went into the er for. Still couldn't see anything but an empty gest sac. I saw the new midwife at the office as mine was out of town. She didn't look at my chart-just the sono & told me it didn't look good. I said, "but the sono tech said the sono showed that I didn't register as 5 weeks yet." She said, "oh, I take it back then. Why do you know you're pregnant so early?" I told her the story & she said, "since it was a surprise, how do you feel about being pregnant?" I assured it was a good surprise, but I was a little miffed about it...like, was she going to going to offer to set me up with planned parenthood or something? Anyway, she ordered more hcg levels to be taken the next week & told me to watch for bleeding/cramping.
So, I spent the next 4 days on pins & needles & very concerned. I got the bloodwork done & it was a good level. I talked to my own midwife on the phone & she reassured me & said she wouldn't have ordered the blood. Obviously, I just wasn't far enough alone to see anything yet by sono. I felt much better & everything was back on track again.
Two weeks later I had another sono. This time I could see something, but the sono tech wasn't talking to me. I asked her if it showed I was more than 5 weeks yet. She said a little bit.
I went upstairs to see my midwife. She told me there wasn't a heartbeat & was going to miscarry. She gave me a hug & talked to for a bit (she is a friend of mine, too & I used to work with her). Did I want to schedule a d&c or wait. Since I was having a hard time wrapping my mind around this second round of bad news, I said I wanted to go home & wait.
I went home & felt like I was in a cloud. I didn't want to talk to anyone & didn't except for my dh & my kids. The older ones were pretty upset. I still haven't talked to anyone other than dh, mil & my best friend.
For about 4 days I floundered around in a mist of guilt, sadness, confusion, disappointment & even anger. I was praying for the kids the day after I found out & thanking God for keeping them all safe. An umprompted thought flashed thru my mind, "not all of them-he didn't keep all of them safe." That was a very dark moment. But, the next thought was, "even if not safe in my arms, safe in God's arms-the safest place there is."
But, then I slowly began to feel God working on my heart & realized that to live without hope is to live without faith. I have no idea what's going to happen, but I'm now ok with whatever does happen. Not knowing was killing me, but I can now rest in the waiting with peace & even a measure of joy. Even if the circumstances aren't good, even if I don't feel happy, I can still cling the Lord for help & that is where the joy is at. Before I was refusing his comfort...now I just pray I can keep my face looking at Him.
It's been a week now & so far nothing has happened. And I'm still having breast tenderness & mild queasiness. My niece, who is a high risk sonographer said my sono was at 5 weeks, 2 days & it is most likely that it was too early to see a heartbeat yet. She was actually pretty upset that they assumed the baby was dead since it's not usual to even have a sono before 8 weeks because of the difficulty of finding a heartbeat...especially if you don't know when you got pregnant. Several people have told my mil & dh similar things. I even accidentally came across an article called "They said my baby was dead" at Above Rubies. Almost same story as me (except she had bleeding) and her baby was alive.
At first hearing all these stories felt very cruel. I'd had the rug pulled out from under me twice & it felt like people were trying to give me false hope and at that point I couldn't hold onto any hope.
So, I've been told I'm going to miscarry. I'm now about 6 weeks into this & I still feel pregnant & I'm not having any bleeding/cramping. I think I'll wait out the 2 weeks & maybe a little more & then request a sono again. I couldn't possibly go thru with a d&c having doubts. I'd love prayers. My emotions are a little haywire & I'm trying to keep my mind & heart on the Lord. I know he only wants good for me no matter what the circumtances are. And I can trust Him & accept whatever His will is for me. I know I'll still be sad if the baby really has died...
I just don't want to retreat into that cocoon of darkness again...I know it's possible, but I really don't want to go there. You know, even there wrapped in a shroud of sadness when I know I refused God's comfort, He was there with me...waiting for me to turn around.
When I know more, I'll definitely update.
(((((((Hugs)))))) and my deepest prayers. Your story brings a lot of memories to surface, although, I was nearly 5 months along when I was told that our 2 babies no longer had heartbeats. The first time I was shocked and grieved and second time, I went numb and fell into that "cocoon of darkness" you mention. I hope that you will see HIS LIGHT shine as you wait.
ReplyDeleteI read that same article and waited, too. I hope that your path ahead is made clear and that your body will naturally handle the circumstances in the outcome already planned and blessed by the Father.
If you need to talk, I think you have my number. I will be praying, dear friend.
Hollyann, it hurts my heart terribly that you are going through this. I never could stand it when you were sad, even when we were kids. But I agree with your niece, they never should have been looking for a heart beat before 8 weeks. I thought they were only making sure that it wasn't in your tubes, it pisses me off that they wouldn't know their own profession enough not to freak out a pregnant woman. I will be praying for you and my niece/nephew and for Pat and all the kids to get through this. If you need my help I'll be there. Incidentally did they do another HCG? If you were going to miscarry your numbers would go down, wouldn't they? Love you sis.
ReplyDeleteWow. That's a lot to have gone through. Well I'll be praying for you and for your baby. I pray God's blessings and comfort and strength and faith on you. And I'll keep praying.
ReplyDeleteCathy
I don't know how I missed this post. I'm so sorry. My heart aches for you.
ReplyDelete