Well, it's not the update I had hoped to post. I had another sono last Thursday. There was no heartbeat again. I was going to schedule a d&c this past Monday, but I miscarried on Monday. It took all weekend. Started during my oldest daughter's horse clinic Saturday afternoon.
God met me in a very beautiful & tender way during all this, even though at first it felt like He wasn't around for me.
I had a lot of support from my dh, my oldest dd & my best friend the day it happened. I did see the baby. I didn't know if I'd be able to or not. He/she was the size of a kidney bean. I spent 14 hrs in the tub. That along w/ motrin & tylenol was how I could handle it. They said it was like a bad period, but it was worse than that. Plus, with all the upheaval going on in there, that ovarian cyst I have was acting up, too. So, Pat hung out with me in the bathroom here & there-just knowing he was close by was enough...and Hannah & I had a 2 hour conversation in the bathroom. Then my best friend (Chris) showed up towards the end with dinner & groceries. She had called Hannah to find out what we were low on & said to her, "don't tell your mother!" :)
So then Chris & I visited in the bathroom. And she saw the baby with me. Pat didn't want to. I felt totally fine all that day. It was eerie. I didn't cry or even feel too bad.
But, now life rushes on & I don't want to even take a step forward. The next day it hit me like a ton of bricks...plus I had to be in the dreaded sono dept again to make sure everything came out. It did & I don't need a d&c. Then I was fine the next day & now today I'm not fine. at all.
My dh & I are having communication problems. He thought after the miscarriage that things would go back to normal, I guess. I'm not really sure what he thought. How could things be normal? I'm sad, I've got hormonal changes & I'm still trying to keep up with 4 children who are very busy...plus keep up with laundry, dishes & meals.
He doesn't understand what I need & I don't understand why he doesn't just know I need more of his time without asking for it.
I feel like I'm watching myself from above myself-pretending to be fine everywhere I go, but I'm not. Some people know, but most don't. Many of the people who do know haven't even acknowledged that I lost a baby. It's weird & I'm struggling with that.
Pat told me some friends of his told him they were glad I was doing better. I looked at him blankly and said nothing but thought to myself, "I'm better? I had no idea."
I don't feel like I will ever be better or fine again at this point.
At least I'm not angry at God anymore-that is a relief.
This week has been a whirlwind of activity with the kids & all their activities. The busy-ness has been great, but I also so desperately want to find a quiet dark place & envelope myself in grief-and cry. I do that as often as I can. It is a relief when I can get by myself and not have to act like I'm fine.
This post certainly isn't for the faint of heart...but I'm not going to apologize for once.
(((HUGS))) from one who knows the pain of losing a new life. My husband also seemed to expect me to just move on. I remember feeling very lonely. We were each grieving in our own way. It was a time I had to release my expectations to God and rely totally on Him for healing and comfort. I do know that God is there for you and He will hold you and comfort you.
ReplyDeleteOh Holly, I am so sorry. I have no words of wisdom, advice, nor can I relate (we've only adopted), but I can say woman to woman and mom to mom that you need to take the time that YOU need to emotionally heal. Get take out, eat pb&j and give yourself a break. I will be praying for you. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteOh, Honey. Of course you're not fine.
ReplyDeleteI pray God puts someone in Pat's way to explain to him that you need time to grieve.
I'm so sorry for your loss....and I'm loving on you from here.
((((Hugs)))) Grief is such a tragic emotion that feels like waves crashing in without warning and knocking us down.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for your loss and understand the complexity with your husband.
I'm still praying for you and welcome you to call if you need someone to listen. I've walked this path several times and still feel the pain of loss.
Oh, Holly. I am so sorry for your pain and loss.
ReplyDeleteI lost two babies, and yes, men and women do grieve differently.
It is so dark...the weeks and months following a miscarriage. I will keep you in prayer, and also pray that the few who have experienced this will acknowledge your loss and your pain. It does feel better when people at least acknowledge that a life has been lost, and all the dreams and hope entailed in giving life.
I married late (two years after getting saved) and had my first at age 34, lost him at 20 weeks, and then had my second son at age 35, third son at age 37, then I miscarried at 10 weeks at the age of 39. I thought we were done, but I never got over the broken heart. Then, at age 40 and 42, I had two girls....Oh, how I wanted these girls. We weren't trying, but God provided anyway. I will pray that God provides another life for you, if it be his will. You are young still...don't listen to the OB people, who act like women are ancient at age 35.
Much love to you!
I am so sorry for your loss, Holly. Here is a post I wrote a few years ago for a friend who miscarried--a story I wrote after my own miscarriage 15 years ago.
ReplyDeletehttp://smallworldathome.blogspot.com/2008/02/lost-ones-part-iv-mine-for-d.html
Holly, words don't really convey the sentiment properly but I really am so sorry for this loss. I was hoping right along with you and now I grieve with you.
ReplyDeleteAbout your husband: Men can perceive situations and cope with them so differently than women. So hard to not be needy at this time but rest assured, the Lord sees and knows your every need and provides specifically without you even realising.
Sending lots of love to you ♥
My continued prayers are with you Holly. Allow yourself time, allow yourself mourning, and allow yourself to be ok with how your husband is dealing with things. They are more 'hands on', 'fix it' and not really 'forget it' but definitely a 'move on' mentality. For my husband, there really wasn't any acknowledgement that there was a loss with both miscarriages I went through. It's obviously quite typical. Not saying it's right, just saying for whatever reason that we can't understand, it is what it is. Prayers that he'll be more understanding of your need to mourn, and give you that freedom to do so.
ReplyDeleteGlad you've been able to keep busy, yet still have time for yourself.
Love & hugs,
Pietra
So sorry Holly. What else could you be doing but be struggling right now? I'm praying for you. Sorry I didn't check in with you sooner. I think definitely in the same situation I would be struggling with how my husband was processing the loss too...compartmentalizing things just doesn't seem to make sense during times like that. I pray God's peace over you.
ReplyDeleteCathy
Think of you Holly. I know you've been busy but hoping to read an update on how you're doing some time. :)
ReplyDeleteHolly, I pray the Lord's peace, the peace that passes all understanding, would envelope you, comfort you, and continue to remind you that you are not walking this dark road alone.
ReplyDeleteBlessing to you and yours, Julie