In which, I realize I'm Happy Again

Wow...the floodgates have opened for me.  I've gone months not being able to think of anything to write about, even though so much life was going on around me.  And now I'm up to post #4 in 2 days!  It's amazing how personal grief can change the way you function.  
About that...I finally feel like I'm doing better!  And you know what seemed to be the trigger?  I was trying to declutter & went through all my bins of baby clothes.  I've put that off for a long time...and then when I got pregnant, I thought, well good thing I didn't give it all away.  
I was a little hesitant to go thru the bins, but for a few weeks I had barely even thought about the miscarriage, so I thought it'd be ok.  It was.  Of course, I was wistful & did get teary-eyed some.  But, then I got to thinking that no matter how many babies a person has, it eventually does end.  The baby stage eventually stops, whether you want it to or not...but I think I mostly have reached acceptance now.  On facebook, I found out that October is national recognition month of those who have lost babies.  I didn't like the link or repost it.  It seems like everything you do on fb now is visible for all to see on that blased ticker.  Before, I didn't want to talk about it as it was too raw...now, I don't know why.  I've even been able to talk about it with some people in normal conversation.  I think the hard part is other people's responses.  It makes me wonder what's wrong with people.  
I did read thru that October recognition website that the greatest gift you can give to a person who's lost a pre-born baby or a newborn baby or a child  at any age is to say that child's name in front of the family.  To acknowledge not the death of that child, but the LIFE of that child.  That really resonated with me. 
That is what was the most hurtful when i was going thru the worst part in the beginning-people who knew didn't say anything.  Not a sorry for your loss, not an acknowledgement of the fact that I was pregnant and then not pregnant, especially with all the upheaval that went on within those 2 months.  I had a really hard time dealing with the fact that someone in our weekly interactions had a baby a few weeks after I lost mine.  She didn't acknowledge the loss of mine & I could not process the live birth of hers.  Someone called to see if we'd make and bring a meal to her family and normally I'm all over that.  Thankfully Jonah answered the phone (because at that time I was not answering the phone because I didn't want to talk to anyone & pretend that everything was fine with me because it wasn't).  He told her he wasn't sure if I could, but he'd let me know.  Poor kid-he didn't know what to say, but he knew how I'd feel about it.  Anyway, I didn't call that lady back.  I couldn't make a meal & bring it at that point...and she didn't know I'd just lost a baby & was barely able to make meals for my own family.  Hannah did a lot of the cooking at that time.
I was thinking about it this morning...2 weeks ago I was finally able to comment to her in person that the baby was cute & it didn't bother me.  It's not her fault-and I wasn't even due until January, but that birth right after mine connected the two in my own head.  Maybe this only makes sense to people who've gone thru this.  I have to say, to you bloggers that posted under my post when it happened, THANK YOU.  You're stories, what you shared, your expressions of sympathy without making me feel bad or wrong for how I felt, the links you provided helped me more than I can express.  And, you were right about my husband-he was going thru grief totally different that I was-he wasn't even able to express his feelings until over a month after it happened...and then we were back to normal again. :)
So, anyway, I went about 2 months barely thinking about losing the baby.  Going through 4 bins of baby clothes made me wistful, but not overwhelmed...I actually even felt guilty not feeling more sad!  Who can understand the mind of this woman?  Not even me!  So glad the Lord does.   ;)  
And then 2 days ago I went grocery shopping with just Alyssa.  She's such a funny, sweet little imp.  We had such an adorable conversation.  She asked me if this earth was our world & did everyone live here?  Why not? Do we live in Africa?  Why not? Where do we live?  I was born here?  Why? Can I push the cart all by myself?  And as I watched her push the cart with her arms stretched high above her head as I guided it just a little since she couldn't see where she was going, I felt euphoric with happiness, yet sad at the same time!  This little girl is such a gem, such a gift...I love 3 yr old conversations but she won't stay 3 yrs old and I won't have these conversations with a 3 yr old again (that will mean as much to me) until I have grandchildren...
But, as I surmised in the beginning of this post, eventually the baby stages do end for everyone...I know I'll feel wistful at times, but I accept the stage of life I'm in...and I'm happy again. :)